Thursday, August 10, 2006

Big clocks and viking helmets?

Topic of Discussion: Flavor Flav.

Up until two mornings ago, I had never heard of him before. I like to think I had a very fufilling life up until that moment, but as I learned, that was not so.

Tess and I watched an episode of his show "Flavor of Love" and honestly I was baffled. Now it was more than just the absurd misuse of viking helmets, and grillzzzzzzzz. It was the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I could not find a man as cultured, sophisticated, and succesful as Flavor Flav at all attractive. Call me crazy. The only thing scarier than his mug, were the crazy women pawing at him on that show. One of the more heated moments of the episode involved the seasoned television dating veteren Pumpkin, (who after finishing on the show, married an apparent lesbian lover). She got so emotionally distraut when she was not chosen as one of the top two candidates, that she spat in the face of her opponent New York. (Oh, it should be noted that all of the women took on psuedonyms.) The entire episode consisted entirely of New York rambling, eating, screaming, and putting on make up, Hoopz, the other contestant, pretending to not be a crazy weirdo, and Pumpkin looking confused. Honestly, if I were ever put in a position where I was expected to make out with Flavor Flav, I would be confused too.

What makes this show fantastic is the fact that people really are this stupid. I'm pretty fucking dumb for watching it. I'm even stupider for eventually getting accustomed to the fact that he generally walks around wearing a giant viking helmet and sporting HUGE clocks. This may sound strange to some of you, but to me this is a completely alien concept. Entertaining none the less. One of the parents of the contestant, and possibly the only sane person on the show, thought the exact same thing I did. what. the. fuck. WTF> ?! How these women allow themselves to be subjected to being fondeled, caressed, kissed, and even seen in public with him amazes me. And I love it.

I love it, because this show just proves to me that American's will pay for anything. They'll pay for a skinny black man with a top hat and a huge clock to ramble like Charlie Murphey on valium, or for some poor guy to get dropped in the middle of the woods and survive for a week with nothing (oh Survivorman, you're amazing....!) they'll pay for a transvestite, a porn star, the singer from Smashmouth, and Mr. Jefferson to live in a hotel together.....and I'm glad, if not a little afraid. Because, when you think about it, Flavor Flav, and all of his counter parts, serve a great purpose in society. He's a huge distraction. For example, while I was watching that show, I could also have been reading about Castro's hospitilization, the current status of the war between Isreal and Lebanon, hell, while I'm writing this useless shitty blog I could be educating myself on the status of that huge apparent terrorist plot uncovered in Britain that threatened to potentially kill several thousand people. But, C'mon! He's in a fucking viking helmet! Who can say no that.

When I was in Law 12, I was asked on a test if I thought serial killers, mass murderers, and spree killers (such as Dahmer, Bundy, and the like) were a great threat to society. I said no, they were important. They kept the gears turning, and the front doors locked. Sure, they're dangerous, but how many of us are going to be raped, eaten, dissolved in acid, with our skulls kept in the closet of some lonely kid's tiny apartment? A few. Very few. And, in the eyes of the media, and the government, those few are a worhty sacrifice to keep us from taking note of how many schools are closing, how many casualities there are over seas, and how fat everyone is getting. Big news is always better than bad news. But we already know that...



Today I bought polo shirts and a sweater vest, and posted 3743 times on a forum. I think I'm turning into a strait up nerd. I'm 1337.


T.R. said...

Amazing post Naomi, but I have one critique. Why did you selectively pick on Americans for this type of behavior? Almost every country that isn't busy starving to death or fighting a war in their backyard has the exact same way of dealing with the public asking questions, namely: drowning them out with a sea of useless media.

Naomi said...

Well, I picked americans because it's the only point of view I have on this topic. I know you're right about that though. And western media is one of the more overwhelming in the world. You can find american pop culture references everywhere practically, it's hard to escape.

Castrati said...

yyeeeeeaaaaa bboooooiiiiiiiii

TheBrandon said...

Naomi, I enjoyed that post very much, it reflected a view that I, myself hold. And, I think that fighting for your life every day is really the only way to be distracted from the distractions that stop us from thinking and asking questions.

Naomi said...

That's a pretty apt statement, brandon. I mean when you think about it, the only reason we have so much stupid shit is because we don't occupy ourselves with getting food, staying warm, and protecting ourselves from predators in nearly the same way we should be in nature. We can't really fight for our lives every day though, not in our given situation. I mean, we're set for life. We can live forever and die fat and happy. Our life expectancy is double what it should be. Shelter is available to almost anyone, you can find food anywhere, no matter what somehow you'll get taken care of, and because of this, we have SO much time that we need something to keep us occupied, or we'll go stir crazy. I think I have another blog ready to be written about this topic though.

Kailee said...

how did Mr.P rate your answer?

Naomi said...

he gave me 7/7, and told me it was excellent. Mr.P loved me. Law 12 was awesome.

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