Saturday, August 26, 2006

Wine and Cheese

So I was invited to a wine and cheese formal by Chrissy Bowman last night. I was instructed to bring wine, cheese, and a friend. Being too underaged to bring wine and too lactose intolerant to bring cheese, I brought a friend who brought both. Maybe it wasn't both, maybe just chesese, I don't remember. I know she brought cheese, because it was bree, and me and some dumb broad bunched it into a small ball and flung it at Cal, and our hands reaked of bree for the rest of the night. But I'll get to that later.

I didn't know who was putting on this shindig, and me and Diondra (the friend I brought) were stupid enough to arrive early. We arrived dressed pretty (I wore my grad dress again, and a pair of mismatched argyle socks. Classy) Everything got off to a slow start; Cal arrived shortly after we did, and two strangers, and we wound up drinking wine, eating carrot cake, and being pretentious for a good two hours. Then I had to drive Diondra home. Just as we were leaving everyone else decided to show up. Some dumb broad, Chrissy, Chrissy's boyfriend, some guy named Ed, and various other people. After watching Josh (the host, who's last name is escaping me) fondle a hedge hog, i drove Di home. But, at some dumb broad's insistance I drove back to the party, because as she put it "I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE YOU BETTER COME BACK!"

So I drive Di home, and expect the rest of the party to continue in its slow fashion, until I drive up to the house again to find Josh and this random guy talking about good places to blaze, and I then realized the formal aspect of this party probably flew right out the window. I walked inside to be greeted by Some dumb broad and a bottle of Strawberry wine she proudly declared only cost her $5.99. Some dumb broad also had brought a small asian girl with her, who proceeded to get royally drunk and talk about how her ultimate dream in life is to become a witch. According to her, her dream became a reality when she found out her host family, Some dumb broad's, owned a black cat. She was extactic.

On the topic of foreigners, there was a girl from Germany who spent the entire night taking shots, and drinking strait vodka and ice from a brandy glass. She was generally pretty angry in a sort of cheerful way, and though her drinking habits should have made me worry slightly for her sake, she assured me she spent time in Russia and can drink like a pro. I took her word for it.

As the night went on, the party gradually became louder and louder. What started off a quiet poppy indie music playing the background, turned into horrible dance remixes of Pixies' songs. This was the fault of Ed. Ed decided that this party needed to become a dance party. He rigged his Ipod to the stereo and subjected all of us to his terrible taste in music, and ecclectic dance stylings. Some dumb broad and I watched with glee as "busted moves" and complained at the overall lack of dancing on the part of every girl a the party.

It was this point, and i found a slightly melting chunk of bree, and proceeded to roll it into a ball. I stuck it on the end of a knife, and aimed it in Cal's direction. Some dumb broad began beckoning me to fling it, and not wanting to dissappoint, I proceeded to fling it at Cal. It stuck to his shirt, and the host proceeded to eat the bree and continue drinking. At this point Moonshine had been added to the drink roster.

Shortly after, some dumb broad and I had a long discussion about how terrible this guy's (Ed's) music was, and i conceded that "this one dance remix has destroyed almost every song I love by sampling it" (there were at least 5 or 6 different samples of great songs, put to shit by this failed house music). That same dumb broad then had a revelation:

"Go tell him his music sucks"
"No, you tell him, I"m not telling him."
"Just tell him already!!"
"But...I flung the cheese..."
"You did fling the cheese..."

So some dumb broad stood up, meandered to Ed, who was still boogying by himself in the living room, and the dumb broad said, ver batim:

"Can we change this music, Naomi said it ruined every song she's ever loved"

Great...! Not that it mattered, this guy introduced himself to me four times, and still didn't remember my name. He even devised some method of throwing something at me and, so I'll catch it, and that way he'd ALWAYS remember it. His system failed...for him at least.

So, that music got replaced by Weezer, and the noise of the party went up another notch. So dumb broad and I stepped outside for her to smoke, and I began a lengthy conversation with a guy named Eric, about the wastefulness of the North American life style, politics, environmentalism, religion, soil depletion, and various other topics of that sort. It was very interesting, especially for drunk conversation, but Eric had to leave to use the washroom, and I was left alone on the...with Ed. Ed had caught the last bit of our conversation regarding soil depletion in the prairies, and decided he could but in and continue the conversation. He started severely back pedalling and reiterated an over simplified version of topics we'd already covered twenty minutes before. But he didn't seem to notice or care. So I ran and hid in a bathroom with a weed dealer, Eric, some girl I was in a choir with, and two random pot heads that were all smoking hash. I chose to abstain, but refused to relinquish my hiding spot for fear of being cornered into conversation by Ed again.

One of the girls smoking hash left momentarily to use the washroom downstairs, and came back confused and afraid because she was convinced two people were having sex there. I was completely sober and decided I should probably help her, and we meandered to the basement. I opened the door a crack and then heard a THUMP. It had hit someone's head. I squeezed in the door, and found the German girl laying on the floor unconscious. Her friend Darcy then was excited to have had found her, and they took a cab home.

I eventually got sick of smelling hash and returned to the kitchen to talk to Cal. Cal immediately asked me if Ed had been hitting on me, to which I replied "fuck I hope not" Cal then chuckled and told me they'd sent him on me when they noticed I was alone on the porch. At this point Ed came up to me and said:

"I have something I have to say to you......


Nice socks.
Wanna fuck?!"

Everyone around burst out laughing, probably because they'd been planning it for a while. Then dumb broad started a gang, and we decided to have a rumble, though it never actually happened, much to my dissappointment. I spent the rest of the night talking to the asian girl dumb broad brought along, but then they all left.

Then the bottle of moonshine resurfaced, and three people kept daring each other to take the last shot of it. That stopped being amusing after about 7 minutes, so Cal told me to come to the basement and jam. We we "jammed"....we had a slow jam in the basement with Ed and Josh and Cal. It was very slow. It wasn't so much a jam, Ed and Josh playing flaming lips and shins covers they both knew, but no one else did, and me and Cal were expected to feebly follow along. I didn't feel like following chords so I decided to play annoying masturbatory leads until someone took my guitar away, but it never happened. So me and Cal looked at each other and somehow at the time said "wow, it's late we should really be going..." and managed to dodge having to play anymore Shins covers. Then I drove home and it took me 45 minutes. OH! but it was in my own car, which was cool. I've never owned a car before. Pretty sweet I guess. anyway, that's the long boring tale of the wine formal.


Anonymous said...

I have like 5 pictures. i think 3 of them are of ed, i took them so he wouldnt take my camera. damnit.

T.R. said...

"Can we change this music, Naomi said it ruined every song she's ever loved"
-Kailee "The Bluntly Jewish Wonder" Sambad

I really hope I get to meet some of these drunken exchange students, especially the one that thinks she's a witch.

Naomi said...

I think you'll be able to meet that one for sure. She's leaving in like mid September. Just go to Kailee's house and burn more letters on her lawn. OH! Make them think it's a witch hunt, we'll bring Roxanne Ricard and some bibles, and a few torches, maybe a noose...

Kailee said...

Oh Roxanne Ricard......

Naomi said...

haha I love how everyone has some sort of beef with Roxanne. Makes her the ultimate conversation topic.

mitch said...

You classy people and your wine and cheese party. Sounds better than drinking alone anyways.

Naomi said...

haha I dunno about that. I didn't drink much at all, and, though entertaining, it was considerably more depressing than my usual habit of being a wino that drinks alone and writes sad songs. Weird...

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