Monday, November 20, 2006

I am robot.

Apparently I live for the extra edge you get from being perpetually sleep deprived. I've been unable to get a good night's sleep. I've been sleeping irregularly for the last couple of weeks. Last night I got no sleep, and tonight is proving to be no different.

I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm over taxed. I'd assume that being over taxed would make me more tired, and thus want sleep more. But I guess I am over tired and want sleep, I just can't get it.

I hate sleeping without dreaming. Even horribly bad dreams are better than no dreams. I went through a long string of just blank nights. I'd sleep long, like a solid 8 hours, but I'd have no recollection of anything.

The last dream I remember having was really pleasant. It was a beautiful summary of a few nice things that I wish would happen. Nothing outlandish, not asking too much. Just best case scenarios. And then I woke up. I felt a bit bitter that morning, for a few reasons. Namely because I know that what I dreamed, no matter how hard I wish, will never happen. I guess I was also slightly bitter that I woke up too. I haven't slept well since.

I remember when I was younger I had really really terrible dreams a lot. Sometimes there were the standard nightmares, like some incomprehensible monster persuing me, and I'd try to run but my legs are too weak to move, and I'd try to scream, and only air seeped through without a sound.

Then there were those weird dreams that just had a bad vibe. They were strange, and I would just be expecting something bad to happen. Then I'd wake up from them, and my day would just feel as if it were a continuation of the dream. The same dull forboding feeling, following me around.

All of that made sleeping harder for me when I was a kid. I got over it though. It wasn't really a huge problem for long. I remember when I was having nightmares a lot, my mom told me that if you dream something, it means the opposite is going to happen. I know she just said this to make me feel better, but it really stuck. Knowing my luck, it holds true for both the good and bad. I've never been afraid of having nice dreams. Maybe not afraid. Maybe I'd just prefer not to. Fuck optamism, I guess.

I guess when you go long enough without sleep, it sort of feels like dreaming. For now I guess it's the next best thing. It's a strange drunkedness. Everything becomes automatic. Probably some prehistoric survival instinct. Maybe I should write some songs about it.

I don't know why I'm typing this. I'm going to eat breakfast cereal and drink some coffee.


Jeremy said...

Yes. Yes you are. And you are programmed to hug.

Anonymous said...

Hug... TO DEATH!!!!

Count yourself lucky that you dream at all. I very rarely remember my dreams. Usually it's just that long dark sleep.

- Cal

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