Paycheck vs. Lottery....?

I never get good ideas for songs when I'm in a good mood. But I can never complete one when I'm a bad one. This is a strange coincidence. Lets just say that right now I have a lot of ideas going nowhere. And it's frustrating. I wrote this really hard cello part for a song that I would barely have the indurance to keep up during a performance, but damn if it doesn't sound neat. It's probably heavily influenced by me listening to too much Sibelius while feeling sorry for myself.

Right now I'm on a very tight music regiment. It includes endless hours of daily practise, playing in three different orchestral ensembles and one chamber ensemble, at least two hours per day of listening to influencial orchestral pieces, and noteworthy solo cello pieces (on rotation right now is Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, and Bach's Cello Suite No. 5 in C Minor. Both are stunning), studies of theory, and engulfing myself in the history of western music. This includes knowing time periods (Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Mordern), note worthy composers of said period, other specifics of the period (art, literature, architecture) outside influences (religious, political, etc) and specific aspects of style particular to the given period.

This is all in preperation for music school. Auditions will be held, applications will be sent, and I know in the process I'm going to forget what I'm doing and why. I'm already starting to get that feeling. I don't know what I'm doing. I seriously have no clue. I feel completely aimless. I go through this routine tirelessly, and without break, week after week. Punching in time til I don't know when. The only thing worse than that feeling of being almost zimbie like is my complete indifference towards all of it. I know I'm going through all of it, but I don't know why.

I feel like I severely need a break. I've never been more stressed than I am right now. I just feel small, and like I have no control of my own actions. But, this is paradoxical because all of this ha been my own choice. I wanted to be a musician, I want to learn, and perform, and play, and write. I worked hard to reach the present level I am at. There's no doubt in my mind that it's what I need to do with my life. But I still feel this immense doubt.

Everyone's advice is just another layer of confusion to add onto an already intricate parfait. And everyone is so biased. But also, the reasons for my hesitation are fickle at best. So much so that I don't even want to admit them to myself.

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Author's Note:

I forgot I wrote this, and I also neglected to publish it. I'm going to now, though odds are no one will read it as it's a week old and will show up below all my newer posts. I have changed my mind about a lot of this. It's amazing what one good week can do for a person.

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