Saturday, November 11, 2006

If my life were a TV network...and my dad were Benny Hill....

..then my programming day would have started at
midnight: Relationship advice columnist Chantal Short advises call in viewers. This week features a confused indecisive fool who know's she has to bite the bullet, but is still too much of a coward to do it. OH DRAMA.
12 30 am After School Special, featuring a young fresh graduate getting thrown into a world of drugs and debauchery. Will she make all the right choices? Will she be strong enough to follow Jesus to salvation?

Channel off air from 5 00 am - 3 00 pm because nothing intersting happened

3 00 pm: Now begins one of those automotive shows where you observe mechanics fixing an old beater. The car being highlighted today was an '88 Volkswagon Fox. The ailment: the clutch snapped and ceased to function.
4 00 pm: Here we flip channels to "Survivorman" where Naomi is stranded in a large truck yard on the wrong side of the Frasier River for two hours with nothing for protection from the wild but her big wool jacket, and nothing for sustainance but a pack of Bubblemint Extra. OMG HER ADIDAS SHOES PROVIDE NO PROTECTION FROM THE COLD, AND WIND CUTS THROUGH HER COAT LIKE A HOT KNIFE THROUGH BUTTER!! WILL SHE MAKE IT TO SAFETY, OR HAVE TO BE RESCUED!??! WILL SHE LIVE THROUGH THE COLD LONG ENOUGH FOR HER RESCUERS TO ARRIVE?!
5 00 pm: Oh thank god we changed channels back to the mechanics show. They've jimmied the clutch back together, by utilising a crane, some chains, a crow bar and several different sizes of screw drivers. Turns out it was a ring or something that was placed wrong, and it caused a lot of extra tension in the clutch. When it was lest depressed, it somehow was given some slack and decided to fly off, disconnecting the clutch pedal from the clutch cable. So after two hours of labour, that was put back together.
5 30 pm: We start our evening off with a movie "Speed III". The film's tag line: "THERE'S A BOMB ON THE CLUTCH" Essentially, it's me, as depicted by Sandra Bullock, trying to drive a VW Fox from the BCR Site to my house, without making ANY stops or using the clutch at all to shift gears. If she touches the clutch, it may break, causing the car to explode. Rated R for Retarded.
6 00 pm. Just in time for dinner! A delightful cooking show commences. Our chef is preparing shrimp, sauteed with onions, and green curry, served over cheese ravioli (that I can't eat). Not only is it pleasing to the pallet, but very visually stimulating as well. Truly a wonderful blend of exotic eastern flavours, with a traditional European favourite.
7 oo pm: To end our evening off light heartedly, we will retire to the family room and enjoy the wholesome comedy of Benny Hill. Only, he's had a little bit too much to drink haha. Oh Benny! You kidder! Watch him go on the deck and bark for two hours at the neighbours dog! A laugh riot I tells ya! And look! He's doing that gag where a line of characters are chasing eachother on and off screen to hilarious trumpet music! OMG BENNY! BE CAREFUL THAT DEER IS GOING TO GET YOU! OH LOOK! THE TABLES HAVE TURNED, AND HIS FAITHFUL CAT CEDRIC IS HELPING HIM PUSH BACK THAT ANGRY ANGRY DEER. NOW INTO THE HOUSE, WHERE THEIR CHASE HAS BEEN JOINED BY A RANDOM BOBBY, SOME GIRLS IN BIKINIS, A NUN, AND THEY'VE ALL CONVERGED ON BENNY'S FRIGHTENED CONFUSED DAUGHTER...
...who has since retreated to the basement to play guitar alone. At least things have quited down. I fucking hate TV anyway.

To make a long and useless story short, I had a nice talk with Tel after seeing the marvellous Borat movie. I then went to a party where I wound up observing a lot of people high on K. I was then coaxed into playing guitar, and got to see a dancer do interpretive liquid dancing stuff to one of my songs. Also, I was designated driver, which I love being at parties, but I've never been to one at a party where I've seen a real life crack pipe*****. That was right about when I decided to leave.

Anyway, the next day commenced, and after 4 shors hours of sleep I was up and adam, ready for the day. After I taught guitar, I gave my student a ride to meet his dad at work, but right when I dropped him off my clutch finally gave out on me. His dad fixed it, but warned me that my clutch cable was only hanging on by a thread, so I had to use it as little as possible on my drive home, otherwise I might wind up snapping it, and not having anyway to start if I have to come to a stop. So, in one try, I had to teach myself how to shift gears without use of a clutch. I even managed to figure out how to gear down with out. It was pretty sketchy. And HOLY CRAP I WAS COLD. I had to stand outside for two hours while he tried to fix it (cudos to Rick, my student's father. It was just my good fortune it broke down there, and Rick happened to be a mechanic. It could have had far far worse timing.)

So I made it home in one piece (I only had to stop at one light, so I only had to use my clutch two times the entire drive!!). I drove up to my house to see that my dad was up to his wacky antics, as is his usual fashion. Oh fun times were had. Then I had to cook dinner. And it was a great dinner that I cooked. And tea is delicious. But my toes are still cold.

I haven't proof read this. I hope it's more coherent than I think it is. So far this weekend blew.


One up note though! I got a random call today. From Rocketfish Productions. I've been hired to do some session work for this guys album. They want me to play cello. And it's paying a pretty penny. Hopefully it will compensate for the majour headache that's been the last 24 hours. We'll see I guess.

****it has been brought to my attention that what I saw, was in fact, a speed pipe. I apologise for my ignorance.

1 comment:

xoxo said...

Oh dear... I know you're smart enough to make the right choices Naomi!

Good people but bad drugs.

I'm sorry I never got a chance to do coffee with you while I was up. I'll be up again for Emmy's birthday around the 17th of December. Take care, good luck with the cello business!

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